Hi Everyone!
As many of you already know, I’ve been struggling this last month trying to wrap my head around the fact that my daughter Callie was being bullied at school. My initial reaction was shock because I had no idea children this young could be exposed to such behavior (Callie is only 3). Seriously, I was focused on other things like whether she would feel comfortable to nap at school, if she had enough snacks throughout the day, and packing up her favorite dolls from home. I honestly didn’t think I would have to worry about another kid picking on my child and threatening to punch her face. (I still need to take a moment to breathe when I’m reminded of this.)
My second reaction was guilt. Were there signs I could have picked up on? Mind you she didn’t open up about this to me until later on so I just assumed she was going through the regular motion like any child would when starting school for the first time. Yes she would cry the night before telling me she didn’t want to go back to school. Yes she would cry when I dropped her off and would beg me not to leave. But how about that one morning I caught her cutting her hair? Could that have been because of what this bully said to her? This is where it gets extra frustrating for me as a parent because 3 years olds normally can’t articulate things as well as you’d like.
It’s heartbreaking to know that all my efforts of raising confident and happy children the past 3 years could easily be affected in a matter of days/weeks by a negative individual. All I could do was attempt to build her self confidence back up and teach her that it’s not her fault when people are mean. It took her some time to understand this, but she eventually learned to sympathize with her bully instead of fearing. I wasn’t sure what was going on personally, but I did paint some hypothetical scenarios to possibly explain the bully’s behavior.
Before you know it, we were facing the parents of the bully trying to make sense of what was going on. In their defense, they had no idea and said their kid was “well loved and popular” among the other kids. I wasn’t sure if they were denying their child was capable of being mean from that last line, but chose to focus on next steps. It’s funny because I always imagined the parents of bullies to be bullies themselves, just adult looking. Like their clothes would be all scuffed up and all they wore was a bad attitude (think Nelson from The Simpsons). However, these parents were well dressed, came off educated, and had demanding jobs. I assume it was demanding because I noticed that their child would be one of the first ones at school and the last ones to be picked up.
In an attempt to address the problem, Baba and I made a suggestion that sort of shocked the parents and teacher. We suggested that we do 1 on 1 play dates with our children while both sets of parents were nearby. Luckily we all live in downtown so setting up a few play dates at the park wasn’t that difficult.I personally wanted to observe their behavior together in a neutral setting (ie no classmates around). I’m also not ashamed to admit I was sending visual cues to the bully letting them know I was watching like a hawk and would pounce (verbally of course!) if anything happened to Callie.
It worked! I’m not saying they would get bff tattoos or anything, but they learned to get along AND play along. They also learned that they both love ice cream (honestly what kid doesn’t) so we made it a point to grab some afterwards for a chance for more small talk. Not just between the two kids, but between the parents and the other child. Hopefully they’ll have more respect for someone, especially after meeting their family. All I know is that Callie hasn’t had any problems the last week and half and she stopped crying during school drop off. More importantly, she learned mean people can actually be nice…eventually.
I also wanted to take a moment and give a special shout out to everyone who really helped me get through this parenting phase. Parent or no parent, I felt love, courage, and support from so many of you guys! I especially appreciate all the people who shared their own bully experience, whether it was with their toddler or their own childhood experience. I honestly was surprised (and heartbroken) how so many people related to our situation. I no longer felt alone, but instead felt compelled to share our story in hopes of helping other parents. Whether it gives you hope things will eventually get better, ideas for a solution, or offers comfort knowing this is a common issue among parents, I hope you take something away from this. Heck, while you’re at it, have a talk with your kids and make sure they don’t one day become the bully. It all boils down to respecting one another, kid or no kid.
If you found this post helpful, please do share with other people who may be dealing with the same thing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love,
THM
Comments (17)
I just read your blog, that was a great approach to take. Honestly I would have never even thought about doing that, I would would have had some extreme anxiety! Anyways awesome job Mama! I am so glad you all are getting through this “bump in the road.”
Thanks so much for sharing. I’ve already seen signs of forceful/pushy kids at Clayton’s age. I’ve bene wondering how I would handle it when he’s older and if it ever escalated. Your approach has been inspiring. I’m so glad Callie is doing well. You rock mama!
Just read it. That was so brave of you to face the situation in that way. Well done and thank you for all of the insight.
Love your approach and glad to know you found a solution to the problem. Hope your daughter is in a much happier place now.
That’s amazing! The power of food is incredible! Fewer wars would be fought if we could break bread and have ice cream with our “enemies” more.
So when was the secret revenge kumite in the woods?
You guys are awesome
Ditto!
So happy to hear Callie is doing much better now!
I am also glad Callie is doing better now! Also, happy to see that during the one on one play date that though they may not end up being BFFs that they could find some common ground — sure, that common ground is something small like ice cream, but it’s something isn’t it? I also think learning those skills at a young age with people you may not like very much is an important life lesson too! You’re an awesome Mama!
Attack with kindness. Nice work!
I just read your post and wow. So many feelings! You’re one awesome mama and I’m so glad to hear Callie is doing better! I think that was a great approach to the problem and hopefully no more incidents will take place with your darling children.
I just read your post, so glad to hear things are improving. I have to say your idea of how to deal with it is great, I wouldn’t have thought of that at all, and I’ll definitely store that in the memory banks for when I have my own kid one day! I love how you avoided anything negative and tried to emphasize understanding and getting to know one another. Ps Callie grew all that beautiful hair in three years? Damn I’m jealous! I’m sure the hair she cut will grow back soon. I did the same thing when I was about 4 just purely because I wanted to experiment, so perhaps that’s all that was. I went through a chunky headbands stage that year to hide the damage done 🙂
Wow you are so much mature than I am. Good job mama!
So sad she had to go through something like that!
Yay!!! Just read the update. These days I usually spend my time worrying about and helping animals that have been abused (or you might say bullied). Reading about little Callie broke my heart! She’s lucky to have a mama and baba so dedicated to protecting her, but also helping her find real world solutions to making this mean tough world a kinder place to be!
Wow just read your post. I’m shocked that the bully’s parents had no idea. I find that hard to believe. But you guys handled it so well. Please give us another update soon! Callie will come out of this so strong!